Every new beginning comes from...

...some other beginning's end.

At some point in your life, you realize that some pattern, some thread in it, needs to exhumed. Torn out. Destroyed. But there is a moment, an epoch, when you have recognized that a thread of such exists, but you don't know which one, or what to do about it. I am in such a moment.


I have had the oddest memories about such moments. And they come in the form of hallways. One of my earliest childhood memories is of a long, dark hallway in a rental home that we had to have because our house burnt down. It was a cold hallway. I just remember gazing down it, not being able to move or think. I also had a dream when I was in middle school. It was an odd dream that I did not remember till recently. In this dream, I was running down this hallway, toward a door at the end of the hall, but I never could reach it. Never. I always woke up, or tripped, or something stopped me, or I just couldn't move forward. That hallway actually reminds me of the hallways in my dormitory. I know weird. When I first came here, I felt like I had been here before. I guess I had.

But enough about hallways and primal fear. We all must fear what life is going to be. There is nothing in the world more fluid and unpredictable then the future. Okay, I lied. The human heart. And I think that is what I fear. I thought and thought that I knew what I was going to do - even though I swore never to try to predict the future. Add that to the tally of my sins. Lying and pride. Two down in this paragraph alone. But now, as college does tend to do, my thoughts about the future are being dismantled. I could be melodramatic. I could be crazy. I could be absolutely, irrevocably right. And I just don't know. Skepticism. Life.

(Peske says: Toast. Is tasty with jam.) I totally agree. Strawberry.

Anyways, continuing now from that, I must ask - what is my purpose? How do I handle my freedom? Is it true what Dostoevsky said, that humanity, once obtaining their freedom, will offer it up to the next god they run into? I want to relish my freedom - for I have been created to be free, and freely choose. And I guess what is freely chosen cannot constrain - since it is not forced. But that being said, if and when I choose, if it is a free choice, there is no one to blame but myself, and I think that is the most terrifying thing, both to me and to humanity. We might choose to eat the apple, but we fear the responsibility, so we hide in the closest bushes we can find.

And look at that. I am confirming my doubt. About what I should do. By using one of the options. Of the many options. Of the many doubts. Of the many moments. Of the many threads. Life is too complicated for anyone ever to figure out completely. Maybe Heisenberg's uncertainty principle applies - that when we know what life is, we don't know where it is going, and when we know where it is going, we don't know what it is. And perhaps, it does come back to Hamlet's unanswered question - To be or not to be?...To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, Must give us pause...

I would choose to breathe. Out of fear? Perhaps. But in breathing, they is something to be said of life. It is not the exhale what matters, even corpses will exhale, but the intake - the force of life, which we suck in. We dive into it without hesitation. With such exuberance do we enter this life, screaming for that breathe, and with such fear does the huddled masses attempt to hold on, to take one last sharp pain, before the curtain closes, and the director declares the exuant. Let us then depart my friends. For what is there to fear in the place we all must go? To cross the river, into death, into the last, grand future for all of us - what is there? For every heart must fail, and every breath stop short. But we must remember - inhale now what is best; the best which lasts behind the rain-curtain. If one believes in chance, one would do this, and if one believed in God, one would do this, and if one believed, in the anything and the nothing, one would do this, for what can one do but to breathe.

I must apologize for the randomness of this entry. It is early, and I am distressed. I tend to wax eloquent then, and run into stream of consciousness. These thoughts will weave themselves in and out of the entries to come, but for tonight, I am sorry that you have had to endure reading the kaleidoscope of them all. May we all find what we are looking for.