I am a timid person. My parents would disagree, most of my friends would, and I myself would, on occasion. But I realized something this semester, and very acutely tonight - I am timid. When I leave my element, which, granted, encompasses a lot, I freeze, I stop, I turtle. People that I have known for years, I can't speak to. I don't know exactly why.
When I get out of comfort zone, my little circle of security, I instantaneously shut down and protect myself. On top of my normal security around my heart, I add a double layer of fear and distrust. I have tried to break through it, but somehow, I cannot do it on my own. It's like a drowning man trying to save himself. HE JUST CAN'T. Sorry. He can try to stay afloat as long as he can, but sooner or later, he will sink. For me, it is more often sooner. Not that I blame anyone for not saving me. In fact, I blame myself, which adds another layer of protection, a layer of self-deprecation. If I already think poorly of myself, no one else can think more poorly of me than I do myself. Thus, I cannot be hurt. Nor can I heal.
And then I came back and try to intellectualize it and analyze it and come up with solutions, while writing to the proverbial you. But in the end, it is not something that can be; sadly enough. But I guess that's just life. And this intellectualizing is just another defense. Oh, this is logical. Oh, this is why I do that. Oh, this is the answer. I don't want answers, anymore. I just to be able to connect with people, and not having to worry about judgment, or rejection, or not being good enough, or anything of the like. I wish I could sleep for a year. Just let it all go away. It will all be better in a year, right? Two? A decade? A lifetime?
And I can't ever say this out loud either, but that's not how I communicate effectively. Just give me my safe pen and paper, or blog, or whatever. This is safe. But I don't want safe, anymore! I am begging, pleading for community. Someone open me up. Take out my bruised, barely beating heart, and please, teach it to thrive again. I am waiting, but I don't know how much longer I can wait. And so much is expected of me. Will I fail them all?
2 comments:
Why do you blog, Jeremy? Is it for self-expression, so it matters little whether people read and less whether they respond? Or is it because you're expressing truth that people could benefit from hearing? (that has been the case) Or is it because you desire communication and interaction and such? Or because your thoughts are clearer in written word? Or some combination or something else entirely?
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